Ok, so this film is on tv right now. It is slightly uipset ting. It is about a bunch of kids who are at a camp lead by this lady. My mom calls it brain washing and she was like dont you think so? I was like well, I hope that these kids are saying things out of a sincere and devoted heart but also it could be brain washing at that point. Furthermore, I am not much of a tongues person. Really, I'm not. Who'd of thought. All these people were speaking in tongues without an interpreter. If I was for it, then at least let it be Biblical. And then, and then, there it was on tv. So not an edifying thing. What the heck were these people thinking. Good grief. Its upsetting. And it makes me think. Seeing all these kids totally sold out for God, or whomever god is made out to them to be, (I sincerely pray that they do truly know him), makes me think about the world and ask God why? Whats the deal with all these tongues, and sects, and so on?? Whats the point there? I mean, if I'm truly saved do I need to be speaking in tongues? Kevin said that he should work on it. Is it really something to be worked on? I mean I have definitely felt the Spirit but haven't been lead in anyway to speak in tongues. What is the deal. It has me a bit stressed. Not that I haven't spoken in tongues, but the state of the church. What is goin on? Really there is just so much crap going on in the world that it makes me not even want to start. I just want to sit and ignore everything, which isn't an appropriate response either. Its hard being stuck in this place in between really living for God and waiting for him to move you and see where he wants you and the world. There is a country song out that says "I guess I was 'a way too wild To be the child of a preacher man One foot on solid rock and the other on the sinkin' sand Just like the prodigal son I guess I got way too lost Livin' somewhere in between the devil and the cross" (Halfway to Hazard- Devil and the Cross). I think that this song exemplifies in a way what we are all doing. Just stuck in the middle of somewhere.

Conversations

[09:33] Ash: many people have told me
[09:33]Ash: there is no point in convincing brainwashed christians
[09:33]Ash: but i keep saying to myself but Lisa is intelligent
[09:33]Ash: she is smart
[09:34]Ash: im sure she sees all the nonsense
[09:34]Ash: but i guess its too deep in
[09:47]Ash: im sorry
[09:48]Ash: i hope i didnt offend you
[09:48]Lisa: no its fine
[09:48]Ash: i just care about u
[09:48]Ash: and its hard to see someone so bright
[09:48]Ash: see
[09:48]Ash: i dont insult YOU
[09:48]Ash: personally
[09:48]Ash: lol
[09:49]Ash: just what you believe in
[09:49]Ash: haha
[09:49] Lisa: great
[09:49] Lisa: though i know you dont mean it,what i believe is who i am
[09:50] Ash: ok
[09:50] Lisa: its ok
[09:51] Ash: well
[09:51] Ash: as long as you're happy
[09:51] Lisa: yep

This was my conversation with Christian this morning. How annoying. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to this or how I'm supposed to react for that matter... It's not offensive but it is. I think that we are both coming from opposite ends here trying to convince the other. And I know that the cross is foolishness to those who don't believe, but its frustrating sometimes. And I know that it really pisses him off that I have a faith in God and that I adhere to these 'rules' and customs that he doesn't. Apparently it is just something that makes one feel good about stuff. How annoying. I don't get out in the world enough and now I remember why. It frustrates me and now I'm just sad. I love my friend and I can't do anything about it. We are never going to be true friends. Can it really be a true friendship without Christ? no. Just sad. Sad that he doesn't know God and His awesome power. A good thing that came out of this conversation is that I just feel like I have no where else to go except to God. To know God and to know that I am loved by Him is great, but it doesn't keep my heart from breaking, though I wish it would. And its a good thing that I am sad about the situation because it means that God is really working on my heart in this situation, caring for others, giving me a heart for the lost kinda. Another answer to prayer! Praise God!! I am trying not to harbor bitterness. Its hard to show love when your upset, sad and slightly bitter, to put it nicely. He really did insult me though I know he didn't mean it personally he just doesn't get that my faith is me, so if you want to talk crap about my faith, you will likewise talk crap about me as well. Such great things. Who knew? It is slightly helpful to write it out. And I dont really want to go to lunch with him, but I do. I'm like what do I do without him? Nothing. Great. And I don't want to be mean, I would rather show Christ's love and continue to love him though its hard. And I guess thats my prayer for today that the Lord will help me to show His love to others despite their criticism of Him. When people criticize the Lord, its hard not to take personally. I know that Gos is more than able to defend Himself, and even further than that doesn't need to defend himself because he is the creator and maker of all things. He is entitled to do what He wants. If he wants to create a world that is made purely to bring Himself glory, than great. He could wipe us out right now and be completely just in doing so. I mean I find myself trying to defend so many arguments in one conversation. Why would a good God do this? Or why doesn't he do that? or I don't like that idea of God? (its a good thing you aren't God then), or That doesn't seem fair...etc. And what we have come to many times is that what it really comes down to is faith. I can't describe faith or how exactly God has worked in my heart to bring me to Him. I can describe circumstances and events, but really, you have to be open to faith in general. I can't make you believe in God as much as I want to....I think I'm done ranting about this for now :)

Cake

So I got to thinking about cake. again. Yes, cake is a great thing.

Annoyed...(a rant)

I don't know why I'm particularly annoyed right now. Ive been meaning to write in this for a day or so now and I just haven't. i feel the need to be writing out my thoughts again which is good and bad. I got a new keyboard today because my computer crashed and then we needed a usb keyboard and didn't have one...etc. so, its kinda slippery and i haven't been working on it all day. so here i am. i just finished going through all my emails and now I am just hanging out trying not to get a headache though I already have one. stupid screens are too small, like the writing, not necessarily the screens themselves. so the other nite i was thinking about work and how stupid. work in general is stupid, not just magic yellow, but the whole world. whats the point. really? push some paper? make some money? so then we can not spend our money on other people instead we hoard it for ourselves purchasing things that we don't need? why? life seems just so freaking vain and pointless. as much as i love school and i love learning about God, really whats the point? It just seems dumb and I'm gonna rant about it. Christian pointed out that we shouldn't suffer just because others in the world suffer. why now? Why should they be able to go hungry and go without food and i can over eat? He said that they would trade spots with us in a second. and i know that it was going down the track of well they wouldn't care about you anyway. so? who cares. i have the ability to make at least one persons life better. Why don't I take that opportunity? And I really wish Mark was around because I just want a hug because yea.

Another point that Christian brought up today was that we really have some great bosses. I mean I really do nothing here all day everyday, I buy Christmas gifts, check email, mod the forums and much more and I still work and manage to get payed. Some would call that skill and sometimes I do, but really, they are too nice.

Yet another point. I asked Christian if he had to describe me to Steve, what would he say and he said religious, funny, caring...blah blah. And it hit me. What exactly do I want to be known for? I mean he sees God in me somewhere but I have no idea what to do. And I know that I can't change peoples perceptions of me but it makes you think.